


Faith and Honesty

by Pretending2BeMe



Category: Top Gear (UK) RPF
Genre: Emotions, First Time, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-24
Updated: 2016-02-24
Packaged: 2018-05-23 01:12:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,727
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6099984
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pretending2BeMe/pseuds/Pretending2BeMe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They both know what they want so why is Jeremy holding back?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Faith and Honesty

It had been happening for a while – or rather, it had been _not_ happening for a while.

Jeremy would spend days flirting with James; peppering his time with sly little touches, sideways glances and bags of innuendo before catching him alone and using his sheer size to  back him into a corner, against a wall or the bonnet of whatever car happened to be there.  Oddly though, that was as far as it ever went because, when it came to the crunch, Jeremy, with eyes full of promise and words dancing on his lips would pull back, huff out a laugh and mutter banalities. The number of cups of tea he’d offered James was bordering on the ridiculous!

James, for his part, had given as good as he’d got; it was easy when it was unspoken, unreal and almost secret.  It didn’t matter that Jeremy never followed through on his promise because it was so easy to go back to being his mate for a week or two before it would start all over again.

Unfortunately, for Jeremy at least, James spent a lot of time thinking about precisely why Jeremy teased him like he did.  Even without saying the words, they were both very well aware of what the other wanted and they both knew that they could have it at any time so why hadn’t Jeremy made his move?  James could have so easily forced the issue and taken over but he held back, allowing Jeremy to do all the running but the reason as to why he never crossed the line was puzzling.

It was a random Tuesday morning when the answer finally revealed itself to James. 

In the portakabin, the evening before, Jeremy had followed the now usual route and stepped in front of James as he was waiting for the kettle to boil and walked him back half a dozen steps to the kitchen sink.  As their eyes met, the world paused; the air heavy with temptation and quick, shallow breathing. Jeremy slowly dipped his head and licked his lips, and James was certain that this was going to be it, the moment that Jeremy finally kissed him. But instead, Jeremy darted a hand behind him, grabbed a teaspoon from the sink and said, “You’re gonna need this,” before stepping back and crossing the room to feign interest in the whiteboard on the far wall.

As James sat eating his breakfast in his own kitchen, he mulled over the previous nights events and realised something startling.  Jeremy Clarkson; the man with more front than Selfridges was _scared_.  Well, that was something new!

On the drive to work, James wondered and worried about what to do with his new found information but as he swung the car through the gates of the airfield, all he knew for certain was what not to do. There was no point at all in trying to have a conversation about it because, despite his unending ability for words, Jeremy would rather cut his own leg off than talk about ‘feelings’.  When anybody had tried in the past, all they got for their trouble was anger, defensiveness, a lot of posturing and loud, Clarkson bullshit. No, James would have to think of another way to get to the bottom of Jeremy’s fear.

*

Three days later the solution was gifted to James by Jeremy himself.  The weekly planning meeting flowed as usual from serious to silly when it took an outright ridiculous turn with Jeremy suggesting a challenge that involved skydiving.  “Fuck off!” mocked James, “You haven’t got the bottle.”

The office erupted with a chorus of “Oooh’s” and Jeremy sprang to his feet, incredulous but laughing. Planting one hand on his hip, he pointed directly at James and hollered, “That is a lie, a dirty slanderous lie! I've never bottled out of anything in my life!”

James paused just long enough to ensure everyone was listening and looking Jeremy directly in the eye, he raised an eyebrow and said, “Oh really? I think we both know that’s not true.”  He knew it wasn't kind or clever but he’d made his point; any fallout he could deal with later.

While no one else in the room understood exactly what James meant, to Jeremy its meaning was as clear as a slap in the face and he actually recoiled from it.  Spluttering and looking every inch the goldfish, Jeremy threw himself back into his seat, “Yeah, well… whatever.  You’re not exactly Captain Brave are you?” he retorted weakly.

Thankfully, Andy jumped in with a rescuing, “Anyway…” that resumed normal service but there had been a notable shift in Jeremy’s demeanour that hung around for the rest of the day.

*

James opened the front door to Jeremy slouched against the door-frame, ever-present cigarette between his fingers. Throwing out a crooked smile he said, “I hate it when you’re right.”

“Ok. What about?” James asked, knowing full well.

Jeremy didn’t answer until he was sat on James’ sofa with a gin in his hand and James had raised that bloody eyebrow at him _again_. “You’re right, I am a coward. A total and utter fucking coward.”

“Ok,” repeated James, leaving Jeremy the space he needed to get his words out.

Sighing, Jeremy gulped down his drink and began to speak, eyes down and the nerves evident in his voice, “The reason I… The reason why…”  Trailing off, he set his glass down on the table and replaced it with a cigarette; he didn’t light it, just held it like some sort of adult security blanket before taking a deep breath and continuing, his words coming out in a rush, “Look, this thing between us – and I fucking hope there is a _thing_ because if there isn’t, I’m about to make an even bigger prick of myself than I have already – I want it more than anything but the reason I’ve backed out at every turn is because I know what will happen.  I’ll fuck it up and you’ll hate me and then I’ll hate myself forever for hurting you.”

Turning in his seat, James leant forward and gently took of hold Jeremy’s free hand, “What on earth makes you think you’re going to do that?” he asked quietly.

“Come on, you know me, it’s what I do; I fuck things up and hurt people. I’ve watched two marriages and every relationship I’ve ever had go down in flames whilst I’ve stood there holding the matches.”

James’ heart ached to hear Jeremy speak that way about himself and, squeezing his hand in reassurance he whispered, “Jesus; someone really did a number on you, didn’t they.”

Jeremy could only shrug and swallow down the lump in his throat.

The pair sat in silence for a few minutes; Jeremy because he didn’t dare speak lest his voice should crack and James because he wanted to make sure that his next words were the right ones.  Eventually, James shifted and, reaching up, he nudged Jeremy’s chin round to face him; catching the sadness and uncertainty in his eyes, he smiled, “I hate to say it but you’re right -only about the fact that I know you; the rest is bollocks.  Despite hiding it under a hail of noise and hyperbole, the man I know is kind, gentle, generous – to a fault sometimes, funny and intelligent with an amazing talent for observation and description.  The man I know would never deliberately set out to hurt anyone.”

Jeremy dipped his head again whispered, “Jesus; so much faith…”

“It’s not faith, Jez; it’s honesty.  And while we’re on the subject, Yes, you’ve had your share of failed relationships, haven’t we all; but it can’t have been totally one-sided – these things never are.  You might have held the matches but somebody had to strike them.”

“Yeah but-”

“Yeah but nothing,” cut in James; “I’m not some clueless teenager, you know; don’t you think I’ve thought about this – about us? About whether it’s the right thing to do? Whether it’s what I really want? Well I bloody well have.”

“And?” Jeremy asked tentatively.

“And the answer is yes, you pillock; yes to all of it.  Jesus, don’t you get it? I’m not going into this totally blind! Not only do I know you but I accept you - for everything you are and for everything you’re not.”

Looking up at last, Jeremy smiled the same shy crooked smile as before, “Trust you to actually think about it; I bet you drew up a list and everything.” He couldn’t help a small giggle from escaping that quickly developed into a proper belly laugh of both relief and humour that left him wiping tears from his eyes.  James just sat there with his ‘oh there he goes again’ look on his face until Jeremy finally gathered himself enough to explain, “You should write another book, ‘James May’s Practical Guide to Seduction’; you could fill it with pie charts and technical drawings!”

“Fuck off!” James replied with a playful shove; “Your technique is better, I suppose,” he teased.

“I don’t really have a technique; I just try charm, my own startling wit and a dose of blind luck,” laughed Jeremy.

“Now you _are_ taking the piss!”

It was Jeremy’s turn to shove at James and the pair giggled and jostled stupidly with each other for a few minutes.  With the difficult bits finally out of the way, Jeremy’s normal balance was restored and he felt all the better for it.  Finally pulling away, he placed his unsmoked cigarette back in the pack and asked, “So, are we going to do this thing, or what?”

James smiled and shook his head; if he’d wanted some grand gesture of love, he wasn’t about to get it from Jeremy but then again; all he’d ever wanted was honesty and Jeremy gave that out in spades.  “Alright,” he said, “But we do it properly.”  Throwing Jeremy a wink, he levered himself out of his seat and walked slowly across the room.

It took Jeremy a second to cotton on but with a smile on his lips, he stood up , crossed the floor and pulled James gently on the arm. Using his height and every ounce of bravery he had, he walked James backwards until he was flush against the wall and  then, at last, he kissed him.

The End


End file.
